THE BOARD OF SARCASM

these should last through finals.

• Never underestimate the stupidity of others.
• If you find yourself with a compulsion to kill everyone around you, do not assume that you have a mental health problem, and consider the possibility that everyone around you deserves to die.
• Flattery should be laid on with a trowel. There is no compliment so gross, no praise so overblown, no hyperbolae so overwrought that some idiot somewhere will not believe it.
• Rules were made to be broken, but only if you can get away with it.
• There are people who believe that life is governed by some sort of Rousseau-ean social contract that means we should be decent towards each other and, in return, people will be decent to us. There is one word to describe these people – Gullible. Or, to put it another way, targets.
• You can’t fool all of the people all of the time; but you can fool enough of the people enough of the time to make it worth your while.
• Apologies are useful devices for preventing large egos from clashing, and should not be taken as literal truth. ‘I am sorry’ is an abbreviation for ‘I am sorry that I have ended up in a position where I have to apologise to you, but I will repay tenfold the humiliation you have heaped on me today’.
• Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely. You say that like it’s a bad thing.
• Be nice to people from time to time, it unnerves them and makes them wonder what you are up to.
• Smiling is also effective in that respect. Then they will wonder what you know that they don’t know. The answer to that is obviously everything.
• Shouting at people may not be the most effective method of imparting knowledge; but it is the most enjoyable. When challenged, allege that you are building moral fibre or preparing people for the rigours of life.
• You should not be discouraged from seeking advancement by the incompetence and stupidity of your superiors. Look how far they have managed to climb without talent. However, you must learn to ‘fit in’ and appear stupid and incompetent as well because these are clearly the qualities that get you promoted.
• Sweat plus sacrifice equals success. No one said who had to provide the sweat, and who was going to be the sacrifice.
• A conscience is like an appendix – it serves no useful purpose, and can be very easily removed.
• The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. The Slytherin sees the opportunity in someone else’s difficulty.